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Fear is your worst enemy...
and change has some levels of pain !
Well there’s an ominous title ! It’s OK, I’m not going to burst into tears and make this a soppy post with lots of “what was I thinking”, “what the hell have I done” and “what am I going to do now”. Only the one time.
Because yes, as excited as I have been for all that I had been planning, as the Taurus Dragon that I am, I have pounded forward for the last 8 months tearing down almost everything that I had built in all my adult years, without looking up and taking a breath !
And so, when almost all of it was gone - sold, rehoused, given away - and there was nothing left to do but wait patiently the last few days before flying away, one night I had panicky thoughts, “what if something happens to those I leave behind and I’m so far away from them ??” But I couldn’t go down that road, so I reminded myself that there is nothing to fear but fear itself.. If I listened to fear, I would not do anything at all and staying still would certainly hurt more. Regrets are more painful than fear.
Jo reminded me then that if a thing causes fear then it must be important. So it would be wise to push through that fear and discover what is on the other side that is calling so loudly. That’s not the same fear as for danger obviously, danger you should run away from. And if you can’t tell the difference, maybe it’s best not to move, or climb up a tree…
Even if I had given in to fear it was too late to turn back really, I’d already annihilated my previous life so might as well carry on… Besides, with my brand new Vegvisir tattoo, I should be well protected by the Viking travel gods !
Which did not stop me from having more panicky thoughts about getting from Munich airport to the hotel with two big suitcases in tow… Little me who has been sedentary for at least two years, and more like a decade… desk, car, shops, car, kitchen, with very little excercise in between.. Will I be fit enough for all this physical activity ?
Gawd what a whiner, you’ve just got to believe it’s going to be OK !
So at last The Day arrived, the long awaited Day. And it hit me that I had to say goodbye to those who had filled my life.. How long until I see them again ?
This last run to the finish was not an easy one, worse knowing that I alone was responsible for bringing about these situations and going in with my eyes wide open !
I lived through the last few moments trying not to think at all except for what was happening at the very moment I was in, trusting that with all my planning everything was ready and I just had to put one foot in front of the other and go through with it.
And then I was in Munich !!!
That was surreal. As I write this, it is my third day here and it’s still sinking in.
It doesn’t feel the same as if I were on holiday, I am not as light-hearted as I would have been last year, visiting all those pretty towns in France. Yet, there is a tiny feeling of elation coming through, it is a little shy and wondering if it is more worthy than the bag of feelings of fear, disbelief and doubt that are swirling around my head.
Today I gave myself a break from planning things and visiting things, I just allowed myself to sit in bed, get some work done, nurse the growing headache and just let all those side-effects of change come to the surface and help them evaporate.
Tomorrow I can begin to walk like I belong here. One day at a time ! Like with the Japanese art of Kintsukuroi, broken objects and lives can be repaired with some meticulous work and given an even more beautiful meaning and existence :)) Even if the breaking was self-imposed !
Next on Gaëlle Goes Adventuring: What it feels like to be in Europe at long last !
I hope this panicky little episode did not put you off following my future adventures, because this was just the scary noise of the gunshot as I head out of the startingblocks and begin experiencing a nomad life :))
If you know someone who needs encouragement in the middle of a big life change, share my story with them - it’s useful to know we’re not alone, and that it’s OK to experience all sorts of fearful feelings. Even when we make it look like a walk in the park [laughs nervously…]
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Thank you for reading all this way, knowing that you’re out there waiting to see what I am going to do next really encourages me to pull up my bootstraps and get on with it !!